As governor of Arizona, Janet Napolitano was no fan of the Real ID program that sets federal standards for state-issued driver's licenses which will be required in the future to board airplanes.http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/feb/20/napolitano-debates-real-id/
Now that she is Homeland Security secretary and overseeing the department that governs the contentious law, Miss Napolitano says she wants to examine "realistic options" with the officials who must put the program into action - the nation's governors.
What makes the comedians of America the Masters of the Universe is that they possess one secret weapon: They get to speak the truth. It is a license that no one else in this land apparently reserve to themselves. So since comedy is a shit job, we get stuck with this leftover power, the dregs from the bottle, the magic elixir that turns out to be the most devastating, destructive power in all the universe!
So if I were to have Miss Napolitano on my TV show --right after we came back from break with a shot of colored spotlights tracing across the cheering studio audience-- I would start us all off:
"Nice to be back. Thanks, everyone. We've got Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano with us tonight. And I gotta tell ya: you are one fiiiiine lookin' woman. That low-cut blouse is turning me on. Are you dating anyone?"
"No."
"Well you've got good teeth and I'm looking for a woman who won't cost me a fortune in dental bills. Do you want to go on a date with me?"
"No."
"Alright, then. I can check off one more I Tried box on this form. It's like the form you're supposed to fill out so you can collect unemployment where you go around to see if anyone has a job for you. See? I tried to date a woman three times this month to no avail. So now I get to sit on the couch and be queer until the next form comes in the mail. ...I see that you're rolling out this, uh --what's my note card say?-- this 'Real ID' program. Could you explain to us exactly what that is?"
"It's where we get to make you show your papers and look up your asshole if we want."
"Sounds great, sounds great. Now, why are we doing this, exactly? Because I know that that august body of immense deliberative power called the United States Congress must have had something good in mind when they mandated that."
"Why, yes, Chris, there is a very good reason for it. It's all because of 9-11! We're protecting you --people just like you! [she pokes me in the ribs and I giggle and then I feel up her melon-like breasts as a moan escapes my clenched teeth and we share a deep kiss and I straighten my tie as she continues her smoldering look at me]-- it's so that we can protect you from the bad people who flew planes into the World Trade Center."
"But that was you. I followed the bread crumbs right back to your office. Now, it may be impolitic to say so --though that has never been a consideration of mine because this is a shit job anyway-- but I, I'm not sure that this little Achtung! Moment card of yours is going to protect me from the compartmentalized elements of Israeli and American intelligence that executed the operation. So what say you to that, my Little Straight-Toothe'd Vixen of Carnal Delight?"
"You got me! You and your Comedic Ninja friends on Late Night Television are always messing things up! That jester's license of yours trumps all! ...My brain... circuits... melting... [the Plasto-Skin of her face drips off to reveal metal teeth and glowing eyes.] We are going to conquer your species!"
"Well alright, but that'll have to wait until after we get back from the break. Janet Napolitano, everyone! We'll be right back."
