Why? Because of the audience that I have been saddled with.
I spoke to a friend of mine six months ago. He said, "I've been reading your blog. Funny stuff."
I said, "You know it's not a blog, right? It's a professional undertaking. I have repeatedly informed my audience of this fact. That it is on the internet means nothing. The internet is a distribution medium, not a business model. Did you see the part about how it's not a free show and how you're supposed to buy a ticket?"
He said, "Well, yeah, but, you know, I, uh, ehhh...." He just trailed off.
He's a thief.
If you are reading this, and if have not bought your ticket as I have been demanding that you do for two years now, you are a thief. You are guilty of theft of service. This is not a free show.
So I'll just call you out:
Barack Obama, you're a thief.
Pat Leahy, you're a thief.
Ron Paul, you're a disgusting thief.
Nancy Pelosi, you're just a stinking thief.
Washington Post people, you're just thieves.
Jon Stewart, nothing but a thief with his little thief buddy, Stephen Colbert.
Maureen Dowd, you are just a red-shoed thief.
Keith Olbermann, you are a thief.
Frank Rich, you are a thief of theatrical service. And you, of all people, should know better.
It is amazing to me that people have the gall to just come on in off the street and sit down and SIMPLY REFUSE to compensate the performer for his time.
I want nothing that isn't mine. I'm not looking to get rich. Paying the mortgage and the light bill is adequate. What I demand is mine for the demanding: my ticket receipts. They are mine. YOU are in possession of MY property.
If I had to do a back-of-the-envelope calculation, I would make a very rough estimate of ten thousand people in my audience. This includes news media people, entertainment people, the Government Man and his henchmen, foreign intelligence services, heads of state, everyone. I think ten thousand is a conservative estimate.
If tickets were still twenty dollars per year --which they are not-- I would be pulling in two hundred thousand dollars per year, which would pay my bills and allow me to put together a shoestring production and hire writers and camera people. And then I could do my own internet TV show.
But tickets are no longer twenty dollars. They are a hundred dollars per person per year. One hundred times ten thousand is a million dollars per year. That's a pretty decent budget for a start-up internet TV show.
...which I will not have, because my audience refuses to buy tickets.
So:
- I get to do all the material that "respectable" comedians wouldn't touch, lest they never work again.
- I will never work in television. I have no illusions about that whatsoever.
- I risk arrest, torture, and death because of this material that I perform FOR YOUR BENEFIT.
- I paid no less than one million dollars --in lost wages, bonuses, and stock-- for the "privilege" of speaking to my audience.
And in exchange for my efforts, not one, single, solitary person has bought a ticket.
Is this how you treat those who work for you? How do expect me to eat? Even slaves get room and board. Why do slavemasters give their property room and board? Because they learned that if they didn't accord their slaves even that much consideration, that they died. The decision was made as the result of a simple cost/benefit analysis. "Huh. Turns out that we should feed the slaves. Enhances ROI."
"But, Chris, we can't buy tickets because the Government Man said no or because it would ruin our Candid Camera movie we're doing or it would ruin the surprise party we're going to have for you."
I am happy that those are your plans, whatever they may be.
Well let me tell you what my plans are: MY PLANS ARE THAT YOU BUY YOUR TICKET. Or feed me and provide me with lodging. I don't care which.
I don't know what the issue here is.
I cannot comprehend the behavior here. It is mind-boggling to me.
IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU WILL TAKE A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL OUT OF YOUR WALLET AND YOU WILL MAIL IT TO ME AT:
Chris King
PO Box 138
Westminster Station, VT 05159
YOU WILL DO THIS OR YOU WILL PAY OFF MY MORTAGE AND LIGHT BILL. I DON'T CARE WHICH.
IF YOU DO NOT DO THIS, YOU WILL LEAVE.
No lurkers, no losers, no parasites, no summer friends, no thieves of my soul are allowed here.
As it stands right now, EVERY LAST PERSON IN MY AUDIENCE OVER THE PAST FOUR YEARS has done nothing but take energy from me. This is, by definition, parasitic behavior.
I am happy to work for free. But I at least need a place to live and food to eat.
And, again, I'm not coming to you, hat in hand, to beg for something that I DIDN'T ALREADY HAVE, BUT GAVE AWAY IN EXCHANGE FOR THE "PRIVILEGE" OF SPEAKING TO YOU.
The power goes out Monday, foreclosure proceedings begin in six weeks.
That is the measure of my audience.
