Here's my opening. Ahem:
"Wow!... Nice to be here with all my peeps. Wasn't it really cool how I just turned the financial system on and off until the Government Man did what I said? I saved the world! Whooooo!!!!"
[Audience goes whoo in response like they're supposed to.]
"I only have one joke for you all tonight, but I think you'll find that it's the only one I need. On the bright side, everyone gets to go home early and beat the traffic and watch my new TV show, Let's All Squirt Our Brains Out of Our Ears and Bust a Gut at How Funny this Crap Show Is."
"This, I think, is the best joke since the Cambrian Explosion. I overheard it in a bar:"
"Guy walks into a bar, right? (Me.) And he overhears the joke of the millennium. Two guys in the next booth are talking. The one of 'em says to the other, 'Hey, do you want to hear the best joke since the Cambrian Explosion?' And the other one says, 'Yeah. Lay it on me.' So the first one is all like, 'Why can't Jews eat pork?' And the other one says, 'I don't know, why?' And the first guy --the guy who's telling the joke-- he says to the other guy, 'Because if it was beef, which comes from a --wait for it-- COW, then they would all have to sacrifice themselves to Moloch and then no one would be left but the Scholars! Get it? They'd all have to fry themselves! ...There wouldn't be anyone left but the Scholars! Right? And who are they? What are they gonna do without their slaves? Who's gonna bang the funeral drum and print up all the pamphlets about how everyone hates them so much that they flew planes into the World Trade Center just to top it all off? Get it?'"
And then everyone in my audience would bust out laughing and their ribcages would explode and their guts would fly all over the people in the next row! And I would take a bow and everyone would give me a standing ovation, but what really happens is that everyone's pants fall down because their guts are all over the place, and everybody figures they'll just audition right then and there for Ass Crack'd!, so they start measuring each other's ass hair!
But I win! I still win because I have the most ass hair of them all! I win I win I win!
I can't not win!
