New York television executives will give me my TV show.
"Chris, don't you go telling us what we're going to do; there are considerations here that you're not aware of and we've got our lineup set for the fall and the budg--"
--Completely irrelevant. Your every complaint is completely immaterial to me. My TV show is my reward for bringing your criminals to justice. I will deliver to you your city and you will deliver to me my TV show. That's the deal.
"What's the show about?"
Don't know yet. Immaterial. I'll let you know sometime before the first episode airs.
"We don't have the money for it."
Immaterial. You've got it somewhere. Find it.
"What's your proposed budget?"
What's a scripted show cost? Double it. That's my budget. I need licensed music and tricky camera effects of boots smashing into people's faces and post-production effects. I need top-notch writers. And your best director. They make the show.
"You don't have any experience."
You are correct: I have no experience making flops. That would seem to be a selling point. ...And if I want to talk to the president, I just type something. So there's that...
"We are not accustomed to being spoken to in this fashion."
I don't imagine that you are.
"You're a complete asshole, Chris."
Yup. I get the job done, though. And as real estate agents might say, if you can't fix it, feature it.
"What's your salary?"
Couldn't care less. Pick a number. This is an artistic undertaking.
You handle the money, I'll handle the show. I will deliver to you a zombie audience who will buy whatever your advertisers are selling. You tell me what numbers are at the bottom of the page and I will deliver them to you. Show business. Show business.
...And don't be too put off by my asshole shtick; I need it for what I'm doing right now. I will remind you that not a single, solitary person in my audience has ever met me. I assure you that not a single person here knows the first thing about me.
Kissing ass is not in my makeup, so don't expect it. And how many have kissed your ass only to go on to deliver garbage properties? There will be no fruit baskets from me and fake bonhomie and back-slapping at cocktail parties. If I curse you out on the street, you know it's from the heart. If I give you a chocolate and put my hand on your shoulder, you know it's from the heart. That's how I operate.
Priority One is justice, which is where my present persona comes in. Priority Two is putting on a fun show to which I may retire and use as my vehicle for bringing joy and laughter to my audience.
Rend. Rebuild.
